Some conversations are hard because they force us to see what we would rather avoid.
This episode of The Route to Success is one of those conversations.
It began with a moment my daughter and I witnessed in an RV park. A man abusing his wife in front of a toddler. No privacy. No shame. Just violence, happening where anyone could see it.
That moment stayed with me. Not only because of what we saw, but because of what could have happened if no one had spoken up.
Domestic violence does not live in the shadows. It lives in neighborhoods, workplaces, hospitals, and faith communities. It thrives when people look away.
That is why this conversation matters.
I sat down with Tosha Connors, CEO of My Sister’s House in South Carolina, to talk honestly about domestic violence. Not in theory. In practice. What it looks like. Why it is so hard to leave. And what you can actually do.
This episode is not about fear. It is about clarity, responsibility, and compassion.
Why silence causes harm
Tosha shared a story that still stops me cold. A woman was assaulted by her partner inside a hospital. In public. In a place meant for care. No one intervened.
When violence happens in plain sight and no one responds, it reinforces the abuser’s message. Nobody cares. Nobody will help you. This is normal.
That silence is not neutral. It causes harm.
Research and field experience both show that abuse escalates when it goes unchallenged. Public accountability, even a simple question, can interrupt violence. It creates witnesses. It reminds the abuser they are being seen.
As a bystander, you do not have to fix the situation. You do not have to be heroic. You do have to notice.
Sometimes the most powerful words are simple.
Are you okay?
That question alone can stop a moment. It can open a door. It can save a life.
Why people do not “just leave”
One of the most damaging myths around domestic violence is the question people ask without realizing its impact.
Why don’t they just leave?
Tosha broke this down clearly.
Leaving is not one decision. It is a process. And it is often the most dangerous time for a survivor.
Financial abuse is one of the biggest barriers. In Charleston County, a single adult needs roughly $57,000 a year just to survive. Rent averages around $2,000 a month. If an abuser paid half the mortgage, paid for childcare, or controlled transportation, that support disappears the moment they are removed.
Survivors are often left with damaged credit, no savings, limited job history, and no access to transportation. Legal barriers add another layer. In South Carolina, divorce requires a year of separation. Many people cannot afford two households for that long.
Then there is emotional reality.
Most abusive relationships did not begin with violence. There was love. There were good moments. Survivors often hold onto hope that the relationship can return to what it once was. That hope is powerful. And it is human.
On average, it takes seven to ten attempts for someone to leave permanently. This is not weakness. It is the reality of trauma, fear, love, and survival colliding.
When you understand this, judgment disappears.
What support should sound like
When someone confides in you, the first response matters.
Thank them for trusting you. Ask if they are safe right now. Ask how you can support them.
Do not interrogate. Do not rush to solutions. Do not ask why they stayed.
Survivors have had their power stripped away. Your role is not to take control back from them. It is to help them reclaim it.
Sometimes support looks like sharing resources. Sometimes it looks like sitting quietly. Sometimes it looks like a hug. Often, it looks like listening without reacting.
Tosha emphasized something critical. Not every disclosure is a request for action. Sometimes it is a milestone. The first time someone says the words out loud.
Honor that.
Support groups can be a powerful entry point. Therapy can feel overwhelming at first. Listening to others with shared experiences helps survivors feel less alone. It helps them see what is possible.
What bystanders can do in the moment
Bystander intervention does not mean putting yourself in danger.
It means being prepared.
Warning signs include physical violence, yes. But also verbal degradation, controlling language, and fear responses in the survivor’s body language. Flinching. Shrinking. Silence.
If you witness something that feels wrong, saying something out loud can shift the dynamic.
What’s going on here?
Are you okay?
Abusers rely on privacy. When people speak up, even calmly, it changes the equation.
Tosha also named high-risk indicators everyone should know. Strangulation increases the risk of homicide by ten times. Abuse during pregnancy carries elevated lethality risk.
Knowing these markers helps you take situations seriously without overreacting.
Safety planning matters for bystanders too. Think ahead. Where are you. Who is with you. What support can you call. Preparation reduces panic.
Five ways you can help right now
Tosha offered five clear actions anyone can take.
First, know your local resources. Every state has a domestic violence coalition. You do not need to be an expert. You need to know where to send someone.
Second, contact your legislators. Call. Email. Follow up. Policy changes when people speak consistently. Silence is interpreted as consent.
Third, be part of your community. Know your neighbors. Notice changes. Community presence alone deters harm.
Fourth, ask supportive questions. Are you okay. How can I support you. Let the survivor lead.
Fifth, invite training into your workplace or civic group. Education builds confidence. Confidence breaks stigma.
This work does not require perfection. It requires participation.
Why this is a leadership issue
Domestic violence is not only a personal issue. It is a workplace issue. A community issue. A leadership issue.
It affects attendance, productivity, health, and safety. It impacts children, elders, men, women, and LGBTQ+ individuals. Marginalized communities experience higher rates of violence and face greater barriers to support.
Leaders set culture. Culture determines what is tolerated.
When leaders model healthy conflict, respectful disagreement, and emotional regulation, they change norms. Children learn what is acceptable by watching adults. So do teams.
You do not have to get this right all the time. You do have to try.
Hope lives in action
Domestic violence thrives in silence. Support begins with one steady, judgment-free conversation.
If you are not in a place to volunteer, donate. Funding keeps shelters open. It pays advocates. It saves lives.
If you are listening and need help, reach out to a local agency. Confidential support exists. You are not alone.
This work is heavy. But it is also hopeful.
Every question asked. Every resource shared. Every conversation held with compassion shifts something.
Change does not happen all at once.
It happens one voice at a time.